If You’re Reading This Then Clearly We’re Still Alive!

Yesterday was Awesome, but you won’t be happy with that as an explanation, so I’ll explain in more detail!

Tiffany & I had the support of Vanessa Märte, our friend whom we had also met at EIFF last year.  She travelled from Germany to cheer us on & help me eat ice cream; someone’s got to do it!  She has been such a fantastic support to us, I cannot thank her enough!

How lucky can you get with the weather? It was really hot with few clouds in the sky.  We weren’t going to be turned away, yay! Thankfully being the first ones there, we were called up first to jump which was brilliant as I would hate to wait about all day…

We had agreed in advance that as this was my barmy idea, that I would jump first.  However, as we both wanted the jumps to be filmed, we’d have to fly in separate planes, aghhhhh!  Poor Tiffs decided that she would give up her filming so that we could fly in the same plane.  Luckily the cameraman, Simon, was able to get good footage of Tiffs jumping and landing.  Then we were told that Tiffs would have to jump first, but she handled it really well 🙂

After running through training, we had to get suited up and into the harnesses; I’m telling you now, those straps can never be tight enough!  Actually, the harness gives you a bit of a sexy walk, but I digress 😀  Any sexy walk is offset by the tit-like hat that you have to wear.  Tiffany got the ‘Top Gun’ stylee googles, which is only fair and just really; I got boring ones…. It was at this point that I gave my instructor a quick mental health assessment: Was he depressed, suicidal, been given his P45 or getting a divorce?  Nope! Excellent, we can jump 😀

With Vanessa filming, we were led to the Cessna 206 aircraft and boarded.  We had to sit on top of our instructors, who then buckled us to them, and had to lay down as there were no doors to the plane.

I can honestly say that take off in the little plane was one of the two scariest moments of the whole experience for me.  It was juddering so much, I thought that we were running out of fuel!  Poor Tiffs was looking pretty much as I felt too…

It took over 10 minutes to reach just over 10,000 feet (2 miles up), but when the instructors wanted to jump, it happened very quickly. One minute Tiffs was sat on the edge of the plane with her feet curled up underneath it & her instructor behind her; the next minute, they were gone!  Then Ian Cessford, my instructor & I shuffled to the doorway.

I can’t describe the feeling of dropping out from the plane; all I could think was ‘I don’t want to do this again!’ The wind hurtling into your face as you face the ground and reach 200mph is incomparable.  At first I think my eyes were shut, but when I opened them I realised that Simon the cameraman was opposite me, filming me.  I suddenly felt so much calmer, that I was able to give a thumbs up & give an Oscar winning smile.  Then Ian deployed the parachute (it freaking worked!) and handed me the straps so that I could manoeuvre the chute, whilst he unbuckled me and did other complicated things… On some sites that I’ve read up on, people say that it doesn’t feel like you are falling, and also that when the parachute is deployed, you don’t actually go shooting up into the air.  They’re wrong, gravity is very real, & the sensation of the ‘lift feeling x 10’ is very real indeed!  The views were amazing, and all was so quiet, I loved it at this point.  A few minutes later, we came into land.  Only after being in the air can you truly appreciate the beauty of a bunch of daisies in the grass where you land.  Please, just take my word for it!

Both Tiffany and I were a bit shaky for the next hour, but were thrilled with our achievements (and also with our certificates!)

Again, we would like to thank everyone for their donations; we smashed our total for With Kids and am so overwhelmed by the generosity of all our friends 🙂

Robert Carlyle, do you know that it is because of you that I have achieved a lifetimes ambition? Nope, I didn’t think so; you’re too modest 🙂  Thank you so much for the retweets & mention (ahem, you tagged a different Tiffany & Emile in the post, but we found it funny!  God knows what the other T & E thought!)

Thank you to Skydive St Andrews – Ian, Simon, Sandy and Gillian; we will be back! I have a new ultra expensive hobby!

You can see the video here – http://youtu.be/LL7YXzoY_co

Donations can be made via the link on my previous blog post!

Thank you! Emilie and Tiffany xxx


The Hour Is Nearly Upon Us!

Hello Peeps!

The time has flown by since my last post about Tiffany & I doing the skydive for With Kids!  It is due to happen this Saturday, 31st May.  The weather is looking fair enough which is a bonus, as I can’t imagine anything worse than being cancelled & having to go back weeks later!  A bit like the dentist, I like to get it out of the way!

I won’t bore you with the fitness regime that I had intended on taking on because I couldn’t be arsed with it in the end.  Instead I’ve stuffed my face with salad for the last few weeks, which evens things out somewhat.

Keen to immerse myself in uncomfortable situations, I let Tiffs drag me along to a posh wine-tasting do the other week.  We were all given a bit of paper so that we could describe the aroma & taste of each different wine.  All my answers just said ‘tastes like wine’, that’s how cultured I am!  At least I lasted longer there than at the art gallery do that daughter dragged me to…

For anyone who is still reading by this point, we will keep you all updated via Twitter & Facebook about what is happening on Saturday. We have to arrive for 8.30, earlier if we want the jumps filmed (hell yes, this isn’t going to happen again!)  We might be waiting for the weather to clear & might not even jump till 9pm, which is a little daunting!  Apart from that, all I know is that we get 20 minutes training just before we board the plane….

Tiffany & I would like to thank everyone who has already donated towards the appeal.  We would dearly love to reach our target, so if you haven’t yet donated, then please do here: https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/withkidsskydive?

Special thanks goes to Suzy Blair from With Kids who has been a great help to me with organising it all, Vanessa Marte who has tirelessly promoted the event via social media & lastly Robert Carlyle for retweeting our link & being our all round inspiration!

Much love, Emilie & Tiffany xx

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?!

Okay peeps, I’ll start at the beginning…

I was nice & cosy in my bed on a dark and wintery Sunday night, oogling Facebook, or to be truthful, a group dedicated to the incredibly talented & delectable actor, Robert Carlyle.  I am crap at doing anything creative and knew that he would rather
his fans give to charity rather than send him gifts.  This got me thinking, and that isn’t the best scenario for me, at the best of times… My followers on here will know how chaotic my brain/life balance is, i.e . I should be taken away to a darkened room & left to rot until I come to my senses…

Sorry readers, this didn’t happen.  I found myself tweeting a message to Mr Carlyle & With Kids  (Robert is an Ambassador of the charity) saying “Hey, I’ll do a skydive for you because I am obviously bonkers”.  Oh dear!

Sadly, Robert never saw this post.  However With Kids did, http://www.withkids.org.uk/ and happily for me, so did Tiffany Helen Innes, who said “ooh, I’ve got a free weekend, can I do it with you?”

So now Tiffs and I are scheduled to jump out of a plane flying at 14,000 feet on 31st May at St Andrews in Fife.  Me and my big ideas…

I don’t know about Tiffs, but I am a scaredy puss about everything.  I don’t like water, I don’t like heights & I’ve only made it three rungs up a ladder.  I’ve been waking up at night with palpitations about all this; is it possible to get PTSD before the event?

I have heard of many people doing skydives who were terrified beforehand, but I’ve never heard anyone saying afterwards ‘that was terrible’, so it’s going to be okay, surely!

I did a little research.  I was in London recently & managed to crane my neck at The Shard (the tallest building for now in the western world).  I thought “This will be okay, a couple of the Shards, or maybe 3…I’ll be fine! (I wanted to go up but Daughter had an unfeasible wish to take the stairs…)


It turns out that The Shard is only 1003 feet high.  We’re jumping between 10,000 and 14,000 feet.  I’m crap at maths but even I know that that is a few extra Shards…

This video is my inspiration! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xamxLnDuo3c&feature=share&list=FLO8hNrHmZzbCeRY8okp56aw&index=51 Don’t they look happy?  However, this will be the reality http://youtu.be/e2yoWDKFk-E At our fastest point during free-fall, I think that we reach about 140 miles per hour. Oh.My.God!

Right! I’m off; I need Rescue Remedy and a lie down….

With Kids is based in Glasgow and Edinburgh and helps severely disadvantaged children and their families in Scotland. Charity no: SCO22467

This is where you can donate, pretty please! https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/withkidsskydive?

I Don’t Like Mondays

I really do wonder why I bother with an alarm clock. It isn’t as if my body clock allowed me to sleep in longer than 6.45 in the half term holiday is it?

Anyhow, Monday is a day off for me; the kids would be back at school & I fully intended to be dog-walking with a mate, down various footpaths towards Lands End, getting prickled, nettled and possibly falling over in the mud, which I’m rather good at.

That was the plan…

First I did the morning school run, picking up other people’s’ kids on the way, because I’m nice. Or stupid.

Gosh, you know that winter is setting in when the kids in the back of the car all have coats on & look like they’re playing sardines, it’s such a squeeze, I really need a bigger car.

I consider it a Good Run when I remember to deposit the correct child outside of the correct school at the correct time. Let me explain.

There was the time when I arrived at Daughters’ school which is at the end of a cul-de-sac. I drove up, turned the car around at the dropping off point, and then proceeded to drive off. I had forgotten to let Daughter out of the car. Once I missed the junction turn off to Youngest’s school & attempted to drive the car into a field. I did wonder why the tractor was blocking my path… On another occasion, I successfully deposited Daughter at school and proceeded towards Youngest’s school. I must have been Away With The Fairies on that morning as when I was parking the car up outside the house, a little voice piped up from the back seat and said “you missed my school Mum.” Oh Dear!

This mornings run was a roaring success and I even managed to direct the car towards the local vet as I had a poorly kitty in the car as well (in a box, not squeezed up with the kids). After her consultation, where the vet confirmed my diagnosis of ‘poorly’ & then plied me with drugs, he then dropped the bomb-shell of me having to drip feed the cat hourly for the next 24 hours. Brilliant!

Goodbye Day Off in the sunshine, don’t forget to shut the door on your way out!

Then the veterinary nurse smiled one of her brilliant smiles as she passed me the bill. Have you ever seen a poor vet? No, I haven’t either. Funny that…

I always walk out the vets feeling a bit like a mad cat lady…

I arrived home to see one of the other cats (okay, there are four altogether) running about in circles on the doorstep. It turned out that he had a sticky sweet stuck onto his very fluffy tail. So I watched the tail-chasing for a bit longer because it was very funny and then thought that perhaps I had better be kind & remove the offending sweet. Then I opened the front door & OMG!

The Bloody Dog has managed to eat the WHOLE bloody stash of Halloween sweets that some idiot child has left lying on the table; this is a lot of sweets. Or was. The living room is now a sea of paper wrappers. I must admit that he’s at least managed to get the wrappers off the lollies, impressive!

So, this is how Monday is shaping up for me. Drip feeding a cat and possibly removing lollipop sticks from the dog’s arse whilst said dog is high on E numbers. Oh, and the tumble dryer has gone on the blink too. Ace!







The Nurse

This morning I had an appointment at the surgery with the Asthma Nurse. I am going on the assumption that she is In Charge of Asthmatics & not actually inflicted with the condition herself…

I have been avoiding this appointment for the last couple of years and always see it as a small sign of victory when I successfully bag myself another inhaler whilst ignoring the orders of the receptionist to make an appointment with the Nurse.

Having lost my last inhaler at the weekend, I knew that time had run out & I couldn’t afford to be any length of time without a Ventolin fix if the prescription got refused on the grounds of me not co-operating, so I made the appointment…& I attended!

“Miss Lost in a Dream!” called the Nurse

“Hello” says I, & trotted behind her into the surgery.

“How are you feeling? I haven’t met you before have I?”

“I’m feeling great! No, I’m not familiar with you either, though I’m sorry that It’s been a couple of years now”

(I got a funny look for that last comment. I really must remember not to be so flippant at times!)

“Have you brought your notes with you?”

“Um, sorry, I forgot all about the diary thing, but don’t worry, it’s all in my head!” Actually, it’s easy. My triggers are cold weather, dust, animals & bullshit.

“Ok, first I’ll take your blood pressure & pulse.”

Easy enough!

“Now if you’d like to hop onto the scales”

“That’s slightly higher than I’d like to see”


“Have you got a wee sample with you?”

“Er, no, sorry!”

Crikey! Things have moved on since my last asthma check haven’t they? I wonder what they can ascertain from that?

She stares at me like she’s my mother. When I’ve just got home at 2am & woken everyone up.

“Sorry, which consultant are you under at the hospital?”

“I’m not, do I have to be? I’m absolutely fine! In fact, I took up kick-boxing in the summer, & it’s really helped.”

I have never seen a nurse’s head snap round as fast as hers did. The look of horror on her face was a picture. It’s a shame my phone was at the bottom of my bag or I would have taken a photo for you all.

“We don’t recommend anything too strenuous and certainly not contact sports! Have you thought about yoga?”

The flippant me would have said “Are you having a laugh?!” However, Nurse didn’t give me a chance to answer.

She’s  looking at something on the computer.

“How many weeks are you now?”

“I’m sorry?”

She asks again.

“How many weeks pregnant are you?”

“But I’m not!” I squeak.

She looks at me.

“I am the Midwife. You are pregnant aren’t you?”

Oh. Good. God.

“No, I’m here for the Asthma Nurse…”

“Ah, that would explain why I didn’t recognise you! I’m due to see a lady with the same name as you this morning”

And then we both laughed a little too hysterically while I beat a hasty retreat back to the waiting room.

Now, I have questions regarding my time with her:

Do I look like a glowing mum-to-be?

At what point during the Internal would I have put my hand up to ask “Is this a strictly necessary part of asthma care?”


Do I really weigh more than a whale?

Actually, those are better not answered. I’ve been humiliated enough today.

If you were wondering, when I eventually got to see the real Asthma Nurse, all went well & I have enough inhalers now to last me for the next two years…

The other night I actually had to walk to the calander in the kitchen to find out what year it is.

This is deeply worrying.

“You’re turning into your mother” thought I.

“You used to have such a good memory” Thought I, again.

Not anymore obviously.

So I thought that I’d better write it all down in a blog that no-one will read.

I do get days where I think someone has slipped something funny into my morning coffee; but there again, it just might be me…

The Other Night…